Infertility X Intersex
Hey Everyone :)
My journey of acceptance being Intersex has not been that difficult, the hardest part for me personally is dealing with infertility. I remember being a 16 year old girl and sitting in the doctors room with my mother awaiting the results from my sonar scan. When the doctor returned I could see the look of disappointment in his face, he looked my mother in the eye and said 'We've been going through the scans and can confirm that Crystal has been born without uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries'
This led to questions about fertility and the possibility of having biological children,, which I soon discovered is a dead for me. At the time I've never felt more of failure as a woman, I looked my mother in the eyes she reached out her arms and we ended up sobbing away for about an hour. That day I left the hospital more suicidal than ever :( thinking if there is a God why would he do this to me, why am I so different from every girl out there?
For years wanting to be normal I just started living a lie, I would not tell people that I'm Intersex and make up fictitious stories about my life, this gave me a self low self esteem and I felt broken.
At 19 I started seeking the face of God and began questioning His word, and I found the below scripture ' John 9:1-4 1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me.
Everything started to click, I am created in the Image of God and how can God make mistakes, this means I am perfect just the way I am. I started giving my testimony and telling people that I am born like this and I accept myself for who I am :)
After meeting the love of my life I was in shambles I was seeing him for a week and I knew he was the one, I told my mother that I need to tell him that I am infertile before the relationships develops more. One night I told him I need to tell him something, but being the over emotional gasngta I am I just ended up crying... I asked him to drive to my moms work where she met us at the entrance, I looked at her and said I need you to tell him because my words are failing me. A long drive home there was silence and I was ready to never ever see him again. a month later he showed up with an engagement ring :)
Getting married was the best day of my life, however depression would not let me be happy and every day for four years I was questioning this relationship always telling him that I am not good enough and he needs to find someone that will bear his children and give him the life he deserves 'a normal life'
To date I am astonished about this roller coaster call life, one moment I accept it all and I am as happy as an ant finding a fallen sweet, and some days I'm just a cloud of thunder. 'aren't we all :)'
The thing that keeps me going is that I do not have to physically bear a child to be a mother, I am a mother to many. Genitalia does not define my gender, not being able to have biological children doesn't make me less of a woman that I am .
wow I've rambled on and on, but speaking = healing
xoxox
My journey of acceptance being Intersex has not been that difficult, the hardest part for me personally is dealing with infertility. I remember being a 16 year old girl and sitting in the doctors room with my mother awaiting the results from my sonar scan. When the doctor returned I could see the look of disappointment in his face, he looked my mother in the eye and said 'We've been going through the scans and can confirm that Crystal has been born without uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries'
This led to questions about fertility and the possibility of having biological children,, which I soon discovered is a dead for me. At the time I've never felt more of failure as a woman, I looked my mother in the eyes she reached out her arms and we ended up sobbing away for about an hour. That day I left the hospital more suicidal than ever :( thinking if there is a God why would he do this to me, why am I so different from every girl out there?
For years wanting to be normal I just started living a lie, I would not tell people that I'm Intersex and make up fictitious stories about my life, this gave me a self low self esteem and I felt broken.
At 19 I started seeking the face of God and began questioning His word, and I found the below scripture ' John 9:1-4 1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me.
Everything started to click, I am created in the Image of God and how can God make mistakes, this means I am perfect just the way I am. I started giving my testimony and telling people that I am born like this and I accept myself for who I am :)
After meeting the love of my life I was in shambles I was seeing him for a week and I knew he was the one, I told my mother that I need to tell him that I am infertile before the relationships develops more. One night I told him I need to tell him something, but being the over emotional gasngta I am I just ended up crying... I asked him to drive to my moms work where she met us at the entrance, I looked at her and said I need you to tell him because my words are failing me. A long drive home there was silence and I was ready to never ever see him again. a month later he showed up with an engagement ring :)
Getting married was the best day of my life, however depression would not let me be happy and every day for four years I was questioning this relationship always telling him that I am not good enough and he needs to find someone that will bear his children and give him the life he deserves 'a normal life'
To date I am astonished about this roller coaster call life, one moment I accept it all and I am as happy as an ant finding a fallen sweet, and some days I'm just a cloud of thunder. 'aren't we all :)'
The thing that keeps me going is that I do not have to physically bear a child to be a mother, I am a mother to many. Genitalia does not define my gender, not being able to have biological children doesn't make me less of a woman that I am .
wow I've rambled on and on, but speaking = healing
xoxox
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